The Basics of Christmas Movies

I’m hiding a horrible secret from you. I’ve seen well over a dozen Christmas movies on TV. But hold on! It’s not entirely on my shoulders! I have relatives, you see. They watch a lot of movies like this. Starting at Thanksgiving, one half of the family watches them nonstop, and that’s the side that lives in an area where it’s possible to get snowed in. So I’ve learned a few things and included them in this primer in case you find yourself in front of the TV this holiday season and have no idea what the hell is going on. Or, even worse, you might end up stuck inside one of these films. It’s possible. After all, in a Christmas movie on cable…

The Basics of Christmas Movies

There is magic: Not in the sense of “Christmas magic oh-this-might-be-a-coincidence.” We’re talking abracadabra magic here. Lifetime/ABC Family/Hallmark Channel magic, on the other hand, is unique in that it doesn’t have to follow any rules or be explained in any way other than “well, he’s Santa Claus’s bastard son” or “we’re Christmas witches.” Relax if you’re lifting your brows at this. In a moment, we’ll discuss the disturbing consequences of all this wizardry. Perhaps we should talk about something more personal.

It’s fine if you cheat: infidelity is completely acceptable in a cable Christmas movie. Especially if you’re planning to marry. If you’re the protagonist in a cable Christmas movie, you’ll almost certainly be engaged in a gloriously romantic manner inside the first ten minutes. However, you’ll soon be separated from that guy, and you’ll want to break your almost-vows with someone even HOTTER and NICER. Don’t be concerned. You can do that, since the man you’re engaged to is going to turn out to be an ASSHOLE, according to the rules of these Christmas movies. We’re not talking about an asshole as in some forgettable Katherine Heigl dramedy in which the man is obnoxious and possibly misogynistic. If you’re engaged to someone in one of these films, this guy is at the very least a mustache-twirling Snidely Whiplash sonofabitch.

He’s probably only marrying you to close some huge business deal that will blind all the puppies in the world, or to appease his family so he can stay in the will, or because he’s a man who is tired of cooking and cleaning and can’t wait for you to give up your dreams and shoes to get dinner on the table and get knocked up with male heirs right away. All of this is to argue that if you’re in a cable Christmas movie, your beliefs about faithfulness are horribly outdated. Even if you don’t yet KNOW your betrothed is trying to sell your family’s land to a frakking firm, you’re free to pursue the love approaches of this newer, sexier, kinder man-who-crochets. If you find yourself in one of these films (and you will, because it will soon be Christmas, and everyone will either adore or loathe this reality), call this man and chat about love for hours.

Share a cup of hot chocolate with him in front of the fire. Get stuck in a snowdrift and remain warm by moving your body. Have a “inadvertent” kiss. It’s all completely justified, even if you have no idea how horrible your finance is. Isn’t it true that Christmas equals sin for sin’s sake? This is the most powerful sort of Christmas Magic on Cable. The extremely pagan non-religious palatable-to-all commercial concept of “Christmas” in these films will ERADICATE YOUR SINS as long as the man you cheated with LOVES CHRISTMAS, just as our saviour Jesus Christ came to this planet to wash away humanity’s sins. So go out and get an ugly sweater and start cheating! After all, it is Christmas. Why should you stop at cheating?