Christmas Movie Rules for Basic Cable

Since we’ve talked about how moral offences are acceptable during the Christmas season, did you know that you can also breach man’s and society’s laws in the spirit of Christmas? What’s more, guess what? Yes, you certainly can! Let’s imagine you’re on your way to see family, and you just know they’re going to be cruel to you since you’ve managed to get through the age of 24 without finding a husband in your big-city search for a life and a career. Isn’t it true that we all have issues?

Christmas Movie Rules for Basic Cable

But, lo and behold, there’s this dashing gentleman at the luggage claim. He’s a touch rough around the edges, but he cracks a joke and assists you in retrieving your belongings because, of course, you’re a lady and can’t lift your own bag. Who can blame you, naive young lady? You’re just all jumbled up and frantic from family tension. But there’s some awful news! He is, of course, engaged to someone who will not accompany him on this trip. You may believe you’ve reached a fork in the road. But you’d be mistaken. Because you are permitted to KIDNAP this man as long as it is Christmas. Let’s be clear about something. When I say you can kidnap someone, I don’t mean you can just offer him a ride and then drive him to your house. You can HANDCUFF or push him in the back of your TRUNK and take him AGAINST HIS WISHES. But, by the time you arrive, he’ll have pretended to be engaged to you rather than the real woman he’s engaged to.

Why? You’re going to experience some sort of adventure. You’re going to fall in love with this adventure. Because it’s the holiday season. Let’s be clear about something. When I say you can kidnap someone, I don’t mean you can just offer him a ride and then drive him to your house. You can HANDCUFF or push him in the back of your TRUNK and take him AGAINST HIS WISHES. But, by the time you arrive, he’ll have pretended to be engaged to you rather than the real woman he’s engaged to. Why? You’re going to experience some sort of adventure. You’re going to fall in love with this adventure. Because it’s the holiday season. We’ve proven that magic is real, but there’s another kind of Christmas magic at work here: the power of Christmas screenwriting. “Because Christmas” is a magical statement that you can tape over the typewriter that the monkeys use to do all sorts of incredible things. Give it a go!

Evil land speculators can turn around in the blink of an eye at the sound of carolers, making the pompous food critic in “Ratatouille” feel like he took a long time to discover that that ginger klutz could cook. Men will realise they’ve been falling in love with the wrong lady all along. Aggravated assault, grand theft auto, abduction conspiracy, and a slew of other heinous crimes will be not only forgiven, but glorified for years to come (via the strange framing mechanism that many of these movies use to tell a story about a long time ago that looks just like today).